I hate that label. It’s used on Goodreads all the time with my books because I write about bisexual men. They are bisexual, not gay for you or for anyone!
Never have I written about a straight guy who suddenly decides he’s going to give it up for another guy for whatever reason, but I’ve surely written about men who are bisexuals who are inexperienced with same-sex relationships or who later in life come to terms with their same-sex attraction.
This is not at all the same thing as gay for you.
Perhaps I’m overly sensitive because I’m bisexual and I’m SO sick of bi-erasure that I could spit. Like spit hard enough to break glass sort of pissed. I’m a bisexual woman who has been married to the same man for nearly 20 years now, but I’m still bisexual. Sadly, most people ignore me when I say I’m bi and say ignorant shit like, “But you’ve been married to a man for ages, so now you’re straight” or “But not anymore.”
Uhm…no! I’m still sexually attracted to women, and if something were to happen to my husband (death, divorce, anything), I could just as easily have my next relationship with a woman as a man. I lost a friendship over this issue because, during the MN marriage amendment vote, I had one of my friends wonder why I was so passionately opposed to allow marriage to be defined as between a man and a woman. The simplest answer I could give her that truly resonated with her was that I might want to marry a woman some day.
She still didn’t get it.
So the gay for you label/tag obviously brings out a lot of passion in me. If you have sexual desire for someone of the same sex, you are probably not entirely straight. Our world is not a dichotomous place of straight and gay, despite how many forms we are given to fill in bubbles that only give us only two choices. The world exists on a continuum, one where I’m happy to plot myself for interested parties.
Bisexuality is more common than many are willing to even consider, which is one of the reasons I write about bi men. Gay men often dismiss bi men as “experimenting” or being “curious,” and the straight public doesn’t understand us bisexuals at all, unless in the context of porn created for straight men.
This is my plea: stop using the tag gay for you or the excuse of “I knew he was really gay!” when authors and friends are truly defining bisexual men. The world is grey, not black and white. Stop making people pick boxes because they make it easier for you to define. Instead, allow people who ID as bi to use the label they choose to use!
Also, if people are bi-erasing in front of you, stop it. We do exist. We really do. And we sure could use a few more advocates in the world.